rorqual

I am still making up for the saddest story I ever linked, so here's a good one (hopefully; it has worked and not worked for me in quick succession).

If that doesn't work, at least you have this cute picture. Click on it!

....please do not get me the next Harry Potter book for my birthday. It's a fine choice, but I've already put my money down on a copy, which hopefully will be delived in a timely fashion, and more copies would just be wasted. You may, however, enjoy my suffering as I try to remain spoiler-free (i.e. off the internet) while I read it.

And on a side note: spoil me, and I will cut you.

That is all.

Please to be informed that as of 6.03pm, EDT, an air conditioner was installed in the room of Otto and Butters, the Ferrets In Question. They are currently being cooled down, and will be maintained at a comfortable 78 degrees Farenheit. Unless, that is, they are let out to romp around the house, in which case they have to suck it up and be hot like the rest of us.

No more calls in the dead of night, telling us to "Save the weasels, save the world," please.

Thank you.

As I was going through yesterday's mail, I saw an obvously bulk-mailed envelope, card-sized, addressed to me. I figured it was a donation request from one of my alma maters (materii? materamos?), but sometimes they also send schedules of upcoming events of the alumni club in similar format. And I like to pretend that someday, I will go to a Satuday seminar on Being and Nothingness, as soon as I have the time, so I open the envelope instead of just tossing it.

It's a little flyer; on the cover is a hip-looking, shirtless guy with a tribal tattoo on his arm, and the copy says "Archaelogist, Beach Volleyball Player, Hopeless Romantic, Audeo Wearer".

Okay, obviously fictional (I would hope an archaeologist would forego the lame tribal tattoo), but whatever, it's an ad. So I open the flyer. Inside, the first thing I see is a photo of a little earpiece-looking gizmo, like the Bluetooth headsets people wear when they're too important to not be able to answer their phones At All Times (or, while they are driving, which is what I have mine for). It's the Audeo! I have apparently been given a pass to the Audeo national 'Test Drive' month!

Well, obviously these people have identified me as a hip, cutting edge person, who likes to use all the newest gadgets to enhance their Life Experience, and though I can't afford, nor really need, a new phone headset, I read the copy further to see what this free trial may entail.

And I come to a horrible realization.

It's a hearing aid.

You can stick all the hot, shirtless guys you want on your ad copy, and tell me that "As early as your mid-twenties, certain sounds can begin to lose clarity." You can show me that it comes in 15 different colors, and tell me it's the 'ultimate tech accessory'. But what you just did, you bastards, is send me a catalogue for a god-damned hearing aid. I do not need a hearing aid, because I am not old!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go chase some kids off my lawn.


(ETA: I just noticed that one of the color names is Green with Envy. Are you Green with Envy....of my hearing aid?!?! Oy.)

Some things that are making life very good right now:

1) Dresses are apparently back in. I bought three a couple of weeks ago, in varying blue patterns and degrees of work-appropriateness. Also, cute sandals with tie-up ankle straps. I love me some dresses!

2) Two things I love about my house: when I lie in my bed and look through the windows, I can see nothing but leafy tree branches, the brickwork of the house next door, and the sky. If I tip my head and look through the bedroom door, through the bathroom, I can see the staircase, which for some reason I just love to look at. If it's daytime, I can see the sunlight coming down through the skylight; if it's night, I can see the glow of the string of lights I hung on the first floor bannister. It's just lovely.

3) I managed to force the ants in my kitchen into submission. Victory!

4) I bought lovely bath treats during my trip to Canardia. They are in French, too, which makes them extra-treatlike. I'm smelling pretty darn tasty nowadays.

5) This is the one spring week in Baltimore when, though the days are getting hotter, the nights are still nice. I pulled the weatherizing silicon from around the window frames and opened windows all over the house, and it's nice and cool in the evenings. I look forward to this week in the fall as well; here on out, though, it's going to be sticky.

6) Tomorrow is Friday. Yes!

These books, by the way, are awesome - I have high hopes for the film.

So I was out weeding (given that my flowerbed can only be distinguished from my lawn by the overgrown brick border, it was really more like pulling up turf), and I realized that there are a lot (a LOT) of earthworms in my flowerbed. I was actually a bit overwhelmed (and they were pretty overwhelmed, when I chopped into their nice soft earth with my garden fork). I felt guilty about unearthing them, so I stopped weeding. Also, weeding is hard. But I did mow, and that was worthwhile.

I have a ton of DVRd TV to go watch, so off I go!

Plan: Have Ron fix my faucet tonight.

Pro: Having hot water.
Con: Ron is one part Useful and Competent, but two parts Wacky Hijinks.
Pro: If no water, will probably have good story to tell later.
Con: Having no water, and possibly having kitchen explode.

Outcome: Ask Again Later

1) Get a fever. It can be a low one, mostly, at about 100, but plan on getting it up past 102 at least once.
2) Add head congestion. The effort it takes to eat will critically impair your ability to breathe, and since you can put off eating for a while, go ahead and do so.
3) Get a serious cough. You don't need to cough anything up, but when you do, it should be nasty. Coughing makes eating no fun.
4) Try to go to work at least once. You won't make it a full day, but the effort involved in getting there and getting home again is important for burning those calories!
5) Drink lots of fluids. You don't want to actually *die*; that's no fun. My fluid of choice is Hawaiian Punch, as it makes me feel like I'm doing something marginally healthy.
6) Don't eat! If you've done steps 1 through 5 correctly, it shouldn't be a problem. I am a huge fan of food, but I did a little math and since Monday night, I've kept it under 1000 calories easy. You can too!

If you're really lucky, once your fever breaks and you feel like a human again, you'll still not be hungry. I am a lot better than I was Tuesday night, for example, but food repells me. I am going to go have a Triscut and pretend it's balancing my electrolytes.